In The Name Of God.... ROTFLMAO

I was home a couple of months ago and found this.
They say Nigerians are very religious people but what i saw left me dumbfounded and to say the least rolling on the floor with laughter. what tou are about to read ladies and gentlemen isnt made up but is a story of my real life experience.


Shall we say, only in Nigeria, would you have a church named “Fire for Fire Ministry” and another, nearby, is known as “Run for your Life Ministry.” With fire and brimstone and fire for fire chants, what else is left but for any sensible person to run for his/her dear life.


Roll on the Names...


Guided Missiles Church
( The founder must have worked with NATO in the United States, or something close!)


JESUS IN THE NOW GLOBAL MINISTRY’
( As opposed to where he was in the – THEN – ministry?)
  
·         Healing Has Begun Ministry
( This should bring multitudes …..in the beginning)


·         God’s Own Ministry
( I guess here the ownership is not in doubt!)


·         The True Assemblies of God Church
(don’t want to think of what this implies of the other Assemblies of God we know)


·         Jehova Sharp Sharp
(Are we looking at a sense of timing here or the surname is being emphasized)


·         Huricane Miracle Ministry
(In nigeria……?)


·         Healing Tsunami Ministry
(I guess , both should be situated side by side , my guess is twin brothers founded them!)


·         Satan in Trouble Ministry
(You guys are helping him out , or wanna join in the fun?)


·         Fire for Fire Ministry
(Founded by a descendant of Moses …actually started with the name ‘An eye for an eye’ ministry)


·   FIST OF FURY
(I’ll take a guess, members are fit, and all have black belts in Karate)


·         Run For Your Life Ministry
( You can’t say , you haven’t been warned!)


The Yoke Must Broke Ministry
(Spelling error or founded in warri?)


·         Jesus Heal Ministry
( Focussed and to the point…! )


·         Face to face ministry
( No emails, mobile phones allowed- everything here in done face to face!)


·         Angels on Fire Chapel of Peace
(An oxymoron….meaning?)


·         Liquid Fire Ministries
(Nitrogen, diesel, Kerosene and gasoline in sure supply!)


·         By fire By Fire Ministry
(These guys are not kidding!!!!)


·         HOLYFIRE OVERFLOW MINISTRIES
(Doesn’t this remind you of run for your life ….?)


·         David Killed Goliath Ministry
(Size and weight counts here….!)


·         House of Jehova’s Padawans
(Check this out, IT WASNT THERE!- what the heck is padawans?!!!) 


·         JESUS IN HIS MIGHTINESS GLOBAL MINISTRY
(As opposed to other ministries where HE IS IN his what?…LOWLINESS?)


·         OPM – Other people’s money
( Now I like this one….our mission is clear!!!!)


·         God in action ministries
(Isn’t there a movie with that title?)


·         Moving mountain gospel church
( You can’t say this guys are not scriptural….)


·         MY BROTHER IS A CHRISTIAN CHURCH OF GOD
(Muslims/Jews/Hindus don’t belong here is another way of saying this!!!)


·         Fellowship of the Wings –
(This is a church….right?)


·         Power Foundation Ministries. === The pastor’s maiden crusade was titled: “Your Money is Looking For You” 
(I actually like the crusade title for the name of the church!)


·         HOLY GHOST ON FIRE MINISTRY (Abuja)
(Are these ones for or against God?)


·         HIGH TENSION MINISTRY
(There is absolutely nothing wrong with this if the church location describes the church name!!!!)


·         JESUS NEVER *bleep* UP MINISTRY  === for those of you who don’t get the meaning, replace the word bleep in this one with the err… the “F” word
( sounds like a warning)


·         Devil go hear am Jesus Ministry
(I know this one MUST be BASED in warri)
  
·         Accredited Church of God
(Jega’s INEC should see and agree with this or not!)


·         Chukwudi & Son evangelical ministry, Aba
(The first sermon should read -Many are called, few were chosen) 


·         Power pass power church of the mountain ministry incorporated
(I ‘ll suggest a more modern name, like P3M2 to the I in C, ministries. )


·         Ministry Of The Naked Wire – Bayelsa State
(Be warned! , naked cables are everywhere!)


·         LABORATORY CHURCH OF GOD
( We only need to check your blood samples and tell if you are one of us!!!!)


Go and tell Ahab that Elijah is here ministries –
(IF you have no Ahab friends and ain’t seen Elijah before, sorry pal, you are not one of us!)


·         God is Real Ministry.
Motto: “Jesus no get muscle but he get power”
(Another warri based ministry with a clear mandate! – muscle building not allowed)
  
·         Fire burn ministries
(Another clear warning!)


·         JESUS THE LANDLORD, WE THE RELAXING PEW MINISTRY –
(Owned by an Ikwerre man!, after all, land is mentioned and it is in PH)


·         Happy Go Lucky Church of God Almighty In Jesus Name Amen – Abeokuta
(What can I say to this …but, Amen too!!!)


·         Old time religion ministry
(Yes my brothers and sisters, its old time again, join us when you are 50 years and above!)


·         Strong Hand of God ministry
(Yes! Thats what we are!, if you are weak hand of God, we are STRONG) 


·         Best Spot In The Land of God Church –
(I am still thinking of what to write here….)


·         Trigger happy ministry.
Motto- always firing the devil
( Second motto should read ,: come equipped , AK47 minimum standards)


·         KASABUBU CHURCH OF GOD –
( I didn’t have to check this out!)


·         Jesus knows his children ministry –
(Yes! …We are the one!)


·         SEVEN THUNDERS OF JESUS
(namely…?)
  
·         Perfect Christianity Ministry
(No short cuts here!)


·         Elshaddai Shall Not Die Ministries
( I give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


Please Note. I shit you not these are actual churches in Nigeria!!! The Nigerians who read this will know what i mean...

Letter From the Penis

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I don't get paid overtime.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious Diseases.

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the Administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* you do not work 8 hours straight.
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen Visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the Workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Stuck in Soweto

Sadly many people have succumbed to a certain frame of mind which leads to a lot of fuckery and ujinga-ism. This is very rampant in this country we live in. Yes I’m talking about none other than beautiful Kenya. Actually scratch that; make it the whole of Africa. I find it very alarming, the rate at which it affects the way people go about their businesses. The Soweto state of mind... yes poverty mentality as Tony (@weka_tyre) so angrily puts it

People have this idea that without money, the world comes to a standstill. Case in point, have you ever seen someone experience more anguish at loosing 10bob than gaining 100ksh or seen someone drive 10mins in the CBD hoping to find ‘Free Parking’ and in the process burn bout 300ksh worth of fuel and still end up paying the 300ksh parking fee? This is now people making decisions based on fear or the avoidance of failure.  When do people realize that making decisions which are fear based rather than prosperity driven will only lead to more anguish? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Poverty Mentality

I think Tony would agree with me on this one, when i say i hate, emphasis on the HATE it when poverty mentality manifests itself where people expect shit to be done for them. Exchuse me please! Just coz i was blessed with richer parents doesn’t mean i owe humanity any favours. I HATE IT when people think because they did me a service then i “owe them” some sort of financial reward, nigga please... When someone asks you for 1000ksh, they probably need it, if they take 10bob on the other hand; they are probably suffering in “Soweto”. The notion that the rich have to give to the poor simply because they’re rich... hakuna ki-robin hood hapa... if you want me to give you any sort of financial gratification for your service then tell me before hand that you gonna charge for that service... do not claim to be helping me out by doing me a favour then expect a “Kitu Kidogo” package thereafter.. Not gonna happen... Expecting manna from heaven will only get you in a deeper situation than you already are... Moving on swiftly...

Poverty Mentality

 Poverty is not the absence of money and things; it’s a mindset so also prosperity is not the abundance of things... It’s also a mindset. It’s all about perceptions. The fact that i get treated differently because you think i don’t fit the profile of the rich is ludicrous... @Ch1ps_beba can testify to this. Because i don’t wear stunnaz to a night club, sport all sorts of jewellery, rock supras or pull up in my *insert flashy car* don’t mean i don’t have the financial means to get into that club and enrich your pockets. I will Jav to ‘wastelands’  in my Black T-Shirt and Nike Trainers only for me to be harassed in Rezoraus or Red Tape because you think I’m a broke ass?

Poverty Mentality

 The fact that we let poverty define who we are sickens me, the fact that we are so mesmerized and infatuated with the lifestyle of the rich and famous instead of focusing on uplifting ourselves really disgusts me. The fact that Kenyans spend so much time discussing and analyzing how this MP bought a Hummer Jeep or how that Minister has a private jet rather than using that time to better use is really baffling. The fact that our local media, dedicate so much airtime to the activities and businesses of the so-called rich and famous, leaves a lot to be desired. In a country apparently ravaged with poverty, in a country where the average pay per day is less than $1 and you keep showing their lifestyles, how do you think the common wananchi feels?

Poverty Mentality

 The fact that we’d rather gratify a lazy, obnoxious, self-centred spoilt brat because we admire his lifestyle and condemn a downright street hustler who wakes up at 4am every day and has to navigate his way through thika road jam just to me early for his 9-5 just to make ends meet, is testament to the fact that we are slaves to our own fascination of western values, hence poverty mentality.

If you take this too personal, then Screw your feelings...

Oh USIUI of Africa...

Dear USIU,

Thank you for teaching me that throwing stones never solves problems

that abandoning class and studies and other things is very stupid

that being spotted shouting or carrying banners won't get me employed

Dear USIU,

Thank you for reminding me that i'm a fully fledged Homo Sapiens

and not a Homo Erectus , Ramapithecus or Zinjothropus

Therefore, I should act as though i possess a fully grown brain

and not a bean in replacement

Dear USIU,

Thank you for teaching me where to go to clubs and rave

that expecting drinks without money or being vulgar

never gets anyone anywhere

That I should always have my own stash, and indeed i always do

Dear USIU,

Thank you for teaching me the oath

that i now so know by heart after finishing campus

that i shall forever act with swagg and dignity

hence the reason they hate us so much

<span>SWAGG CODE OF USIU</span>

I, as a student-present,past,or future-shall never be caught

missing class to throw stones

or bear the title of 'Protest Organizer'

neither shall I feel ashamed to have swagg at all times

I promise to love myself and put my time to better work

by making paper, spending paper-mine or my parents

perfecting my swagg and my eloquency

and to carry the level of civilisation every time with me

I promise to never enroll my child in any stone-throwing institution

but rather home school them when the worst comes to the worst

that they would rather feast on my money and drive my car

than graduate with a Bachelor of Everything Including Primitiveness (B.E. Prim)

I bitch about you, i bitch about your internal policies, i bitch about the cafeteria

and lets face it, if you've ever passed through the USIU system then

you probably have had  a bitch session or two about the school....

but what we really mean though is that 'We love you USIU and we

thank you for saving us the hell of having to be the others'

Oh USIU of Africa.. Thou Reigneth alone...

Thank you for taking the Oath!